I feel fat, useless, hopeless, apathetic, disappointed, frustrated, ugly....the list goes on. I talked to my mom a lot today and learned a lot I wish I hadn't. First off, before I went to college my dad started drinking again. Somehow he thinks he's the exception to the fact that alcoholics cannot be social drinkers. Sigh. Then she told me how depressed she is because she has him and my brother to worry about, and me when I'm home. I found it funny because for someone watching so closely she really doesn't see anything that's going on with me. Anyway. I can't sleep and my chest hurts and I feel like a fat pig for eating those five candies. I'm a failure at everything. Why can't the scale say 85 or 90 again? Why do I have to be so disgusting?? 

I feel fat..I am fat!! I want to cry. I want to be back in school where no one can tell me what to eat or say I'm not eating enough. I hate it here where I "don't eat enough."  Any tips on how to hide stuff more without the suspision? I've been drinking diet and lots of water, but then my parents say stuff. Sigh. Any tips?? Please I'm desperate!!!

 My chest hurts like mad and I don't know why!!! I love my collar bones, they're showing more every day :-D I think I ate the least of all days today since I've been home from college!! My ribs are showing more too, but they hurt so bad cause I just started doing more crunches. Sigh..not tired, yet I'm really tired...wishing it was morning.

I posted this earlier, but no one answered, so I'm posting it again.
I need critique. Give me feedback on my userpic..I think I looks disgusting!!

I need critique. Tell me how horrible my body looks in the userpic...I think it looks disgusting!! 

Today was very difficult for me. My boyfriend is moving to Maryland tomorrow so we had  a little going away party with my family. I won't see him for a few months when spring break comes around. I know that this is for the better and he is going to be much happier, and that is all that matters really. I passed out in the hot tub today, not sure why. It scared the shit out of Shane though. I've been so weak all day. I could barely lift my cell phone to my ear. I almost wish I were back in school, home just isn't the same without Shane here :'( I need to stop eating all of this shit.

 I just realized that I never posted my stats..so here goes:

CW: 108
HW: 115
LW: 98
GW: 90

Disappointment on current goal weight: 100%

I need to lose more weight and people need to get off my back about food and weight..FUCK!! 
So I got no sleep last night cause I had this horrible pain in my chest/ribs/stomach..no clue what it is but I get it all the time and it hurts to breath when I do. Normally it goes away but it didn't today and I hope it doesn't wake me up tonight. I need some thinspo...
night time = horrible binges.

 I feel like shit. I look like a cow, and nothing is working. I'm not eating, I'm exercising, when I get hungry I drink a ton of water, I'm doing everything!! What else is there? To make matters worse I decided to try on an old dress the other night, hence my userpic..well it took ten fucking minutes to zip it. It was horrible. Am I that fucking fat. And why does everyone lie about it? Don't tell me I'm skinny when I'm a fucking fat cow. My body is rebelling against me. Someone please tell me what else I can do to lose this weight!!! I'm begging you!!